Potty Tales
by bluejellybean
Summary: I dont believe in Summarys. DIE SUMMARYS! Just read this...o ya review it 2!
1. Coconuts, Hot Dogs, and Transexuals

Chapter One: Coconuts, Hot dogs, and Transexuals

Author's Note: Um....ya Um.....ya Review this!!!! 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Don't Sue!!!!!  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, and Dean Thomas are in a compartment  
on the Hogwarts Express. Dean and Ginny are making out.  
  
Ron: Would you two stop please??

Ginny: That's ok.Ron: (mutters) I think I liked Michael Corner better.Dean: What was that? (loudly)Ron: O nothing....(twiddles fingers)Dean shrugs and he and Ginny continue making out.Harry: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts....doodleedoo....Ginny: Well you must have trouble lugging those around all day.Hermione: But Harry! You're a guy!!!!Harry: I am??Hemione: Oh never mind.A really hot girl enters the compartment.Author: Not that I think she's hot. I'm not gay!!!!Ron cat calls. Dean is gaping.Ron: Oh Baby! Hot dog!!Harry: Hot dog?!? Hot dog?!? Where??? WHERE??Everyone ignores him.Ron: Are you uh...(straightens his hair) Are you the new chick?Hot Chick: No! You guys its me! Malfoy!Everyone gapes. Then they start laughing.Neville: You really had us there for a minute!Harry: Where's a hot dog??? (mutters to himself) I cant believe I forgot the Catsup!Author: Don't you hate it when people say "catsup" instead of "ketchup"?Ron: Who are you really??Hot Chick: Im serious! It's me Malfoy! I got a sex change. I always knew Iwas really a girl at heart. I didn't belong a male! But Father was always  
so harsh about me being gay.Starts sobbing uncontrollably.Malfoy: He never understood!!!!Ron (shaking his head): Are you taking the mickey?Hermione: What the heck does that mean??Ron: I don't know it just sounds cool.Hermione shrugs.Malfoy: But the thing is, Pansy is pregnant. And now with my sex change, Idon't think I can support the baby!Ginny: Pregnant? I throw Skittles at pregnant women!!!!Harry: WHERE'S MY HOT DOG?!?!?All: SHUT UP!!!!Harry starts crying but gets over it.To be continued...DOTS!!!! 


	2. Hot Pirates!

Chapter 2: Hot Pirates!

Disclaimer: Like I said in the last chapter.....I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER!!!!  
Don't sue.Author's Note (in a strong British accent) What the bloody hell is an  
author's note??Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, Neville, Ginny, and Dean are still in the  
compartment on the Hogwarts Express when suddenly it jerks to a sudden  
stop. Everyone falls to the floor.  
Ron: What the –Malfoy: Owwwie!!!!Ginny: Is everyone okay??Malfoy (sobbing hysterically): Nooooo!!!Dean: Why?? What happened? Are you dead??Hermione: No you idiot. If he was dead he wouldn't be talking!Dean: Not necessarily. It's like when you cut off a chicken's head and it  
keeps running around.Neville: Let's cut off his head and see what happens!!!Malfoy: Noooooo!!!!Ron: What happened Malfoy? Where does it hurt?Ginny (snickers): What are you gonna give him a massage?Malfoy: Oooo!! I'd like that!Ron: Oh shut up and tell me what happened.Malfoy: I broke a nail!Hermione and Ginny gasped.Hermione and Ginny: Oh no!!!Dean: Ooooo....I wish I could elope with a cantaloupe....but a cantaloupe can't  
elope with me....but if I could elope with a cantaloupe....I would eat all of  
my babies for free!!!!Ginny (gasps and slaps him): I knew it!! You've been cheating on me!!!!  
It's over!!!!Suddenly the door opens and in walks a dementor.Professor Lupin suddenly apparates into the compartment.Lupin: Leave now. None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks.Neville: Um....actually....He opens up his cloak and Sirius Black is sitting on a built in beach  
drinking a Pina Colada.Siruis: Hey y'all! (Looking at the dementor) I swear it's not alcoholic.  
Rum makes me puke anyway. I can't see how Johnny Depp could stand drinking  
rum in Pirates of the Caribbean. He's really funny though. Did you see Secret  
Window? I couldn't because after I saw The Ring –Neville closed his cloak quickly before he could say anymore.Neville: Um...he likes to talk.Hermione: Obviously.Malfoy: Johnny Depp is hot.Ron (dreamily): I know.Everyone looks at him until the dementor cleared his throat.Dementor: I don't care about Sirius Black or Johnny Depp. I am looking for  
a Harry Potter.Harry: That's me!!!!!The dementor blushes.

Dementor: Can – Can I have your autograph?

Ron: Nooooo!!! Not until I get one!!!! I've been asking for years!!!!Harry gives both Ron and the Dementor autographed tissues.Harry: I always keep a few on me for travel purposes.After the dementor leaves, the train starts moving again.Harry pulls out a container of yogurt and sees Ron eyeing it.Harry: Would you like some?Ron: Um...is it custard style?Harry: Nope sorry it's not.Ron: Ewww...never mind then.Harry shrugs. Then he starts singing.Harry: I can lay my head down. I can say anything crazy;  
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. Nothing but a t-shirt  
on; I never felt so beautiful, baby as I do now. Now that I'm with you!Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE JESSICA  
SIMPSON DIE!!!!!!!!!!!To be continued......MORE DOTS!!!! 


	3. Welcome Back

Chapter Three: Welcome Back

Disclaimer: I wonder if you have to say in every chapter "I don't own Harry  
Potter". Oh well I don't care. I'm gonna say it anyways! I DON'T OWN HARRY  
POTTER. There.Author's Note: AAAHHHHH!!!! The penguins are stealing my sanity!!!! Oh ya,  
by the way....thanks for the reviews! Keep 'em comin!!5 hours later, the students finally get off the Hogwarts Express and enter  
the Great Hall. They sit down at their house tables and wait for  
Dumbledore's start of term speech.Dumbledore: Welcome back! Welcome Back! I would like to introduce our new  
defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Kim Possible. I expect all  
of you to treat Professor Possible with the highest regard of respect.  
Would you like to say a few words Professor?Professor Possible: WHAT IS THAT?!? THAT SUPER FREAKY THING?!?Everyone: NAKED MOLE RAT!!!!Professor Possible: Thank you Professor Dumbledore.Dumbledore: Yes, yes. Moving on, I am also delighted to tell you that  
Professor Snape will be teaching Divination this year. There will be no  
Potions this year because Potions sucks. Thank you. Tuck in!  
  
The tables magically filled with food. At the Gryffindor table, Harry and  
Ron are filling their plates with pizza and french fries. Hermione isn't  
eating.Harry: Hey Hermione, why aren't you eating?Hermione: Everything has too many carbs. Except this pumpkin juice. It's  
delicious!Ron: You're way juiced up! No more pumpkin juice for you!Harry: Juiced up! Juiced up!Ron: Since when do you care about carbs?Hermione: Since a week ago. I'm going on the Atkins' Diet.Harry: Who's Atkins?Suddenly the great oak doors to the Great Hall opened and there stood a  
telegram messenger.

Messenger: I – am – your singing telegram!

POW!!!!Ron: What the bloody hell was that?!?Professor Dumbledore: Well that was interesting. Now I think it's time for  
bed. Nighty Night.All the students went out into the entrance hall and up to their  
dormitories. Then Justin Flinch-Fletchy came up to Harry.Justin: Hey Harry! I don't like you anymore. _Pinocchio!__   
  
_Harry's nose started growing until it was 5 feet long.Hermione: Tell the truth!Harry: What do I say?!?Ron: Um...Say you're not wearing a thong!!!!Harry: Um...I'm not wearing a thong.Harry's nose grew another inch.Ron: OMG...Malfoy: It's a pink thong!!!!Everyone: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!To Be Continued.... 


	4. Harry's Dream

Chapter Four: Harry's Dream  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. He's all mine!!! Muhaha!!! I'm just kidding please don't sue!  
  
Author's Note: Aruba, Jamaica, Ooohhh I wanna take ya....Burmuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama....Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Kokomo...we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow...that's where we wanna go....way down to Kokomo!  
  
After the start of term feast, Harry went straight to bed. That night he had a dream.  
  
Harry (rolling around in bed): Mmmm...chocolate chip cookie dough....  
  
Author: Ok that wasn't the dream, but I really feel like chocolate chip cookie dough right now.  
  
Inside Harry's dream...  
  
Harry is dancing with Dobby in the Great Hall while Hermione and Ron are singing the Beach Boys. Professer Flitwick is putting up Christmas trees.   
  
Suddenly the dream changes.  
  
Harry is now walking down a dark corridor towards a locked door. He reaches the door and it swings open. He looks through it and sees a Carver Middle School dance taking place. Two chicks are rubbing up against each other.   
  
Harry: Whoa! Now that's just wrong!   
  
He closes the door, thinks for a minute, then opens it again.  
  
When he opens it though, it's a nail salon.  
  
He walks in and sees a familiar face getting a pedicure.  
  
Lord Voldemort: Hey Harry! Guess what? I'M GONNA KILL YA!!!! I'm just playin' with ya Harry you should chill out a little – I'M GONNA WRING YOUR NECK!!! Harry relax I've changed – I'M GONNA CHOP YA UP!!!! Gosh Harry, you're so tense!!  
  
Harry: Um....hi?  
  
Voldemort: You should really get a pedicure. They feel so good! I'm gonna paont my toenails pink. What d'ya think? Pale pink or hot pink?  
  
Harry: Most definitely hot pink. You want people to notice you right?  
  
Voldemort: You're exactly right. Thank you so much!  
  
Harry: Anytime.   
  
And with that he turned around and walked out the door.  
  
When Harry turned around to look back at the salon, it wasn't there. In its place was a mountain range. Harry suddenly heard voices.  
  
Voice: They stole it from us. Nasty little Hobbitses. Kill them! Kill them both! They stole it from us! Nasty Hobbitses...(continues muttering).  
  
Another Voice: You nasty little liar!!! Frodo! Frodo!   
  
Frodo: Sam! Stop it Sam!   
  
Frodo pulls Sam off of Gollum.  
  
Sam: I heard him with my own ears I did Mr. Frodo. He's gonna kill us! He wants the ring for himself he does!!  
  
Frodo: I know Sam, I know. But he's our guide. Without him we'll never get to Mordor.  
  
Sam throws a nasty look at Gollum before they set off further into the mountains.  
  
Harry: Well that was interesting. I think I'll go now.  
  
Harry walks out the door and when he turns around, the mountains have disappeared and in its place stood a school bus.   
  
Red–haired teacher: Come on class. On the bus. We're going to the zoo!  
  
Young girl: According to my calculations, there are approximately 1000 animals at the zoo.  
  
Young boy: Oh who cares Phoebe?   
  
Blonde–haired girl: Look! Ms. Frizzle! There's a stranger here!  
  
She was pointing right at Harry.  
  
All of the students, led by Ms. Frizzle went into a trance and started towards Harry.  
  
Students and Ms. Frizzle: Stranger. He shall die. No trespassers on the Magic School Bus. Die Stranger. Die.  
  
Harry: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!  
  
Author: Dude. You're mommy's dead.  
  
Harry: Oh...right. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!  
  
Suddenly he wakes up.  
  
Harry: Oh goody! It was just a dream!  
  
Suddenly Ms. Frizzle walks into the dormitory.   
  
Harry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
To be continued...... 


	5. We All Live in a Yellow Submarine

Chapter Five: We all live in a yellow submarine...really.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But I do own some stuff. I think. Oh no never mind the CIA just came and confiscated it. Shnucks.

Author's Note: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Eventually. Gosh, don't get so paranoid.

Harry, still shaken up from his encounter with Ms. Frizzle, Ron and Hermione are standing outside of Professor Snape's dungeon. Everyone is wondering what Divination is going to be like with Professor Snape teaching it.

Professor Snape walks out of his classroom. His hair is dyed bleach blonde and he's wearing magenta robes.

Seamus: Ha! Ha! Banana boy!!!

Professor Snape: Ok class! Settle down! Let's all get in our seats and we can begin crystal ball gazing! What fun!

Everyone files into the classroom and takes a seat. The classroom is filled with pictures and posters of N'SYNC.

Professor Snape: Now everyone look into your crystal ball and tell your partner what you see. I will demonstrate.

Snape looks into his ball and concentrates.

Professor Snape: Hmmmm. I see what looks like the Grim.

He turns the ball.

Snape: Oh well. I'm gonna die. What else is new? WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! Ok I'm better now. Get to work.

The students started working in pairs and translating what they saw in their crystal balls.

Suddenly Harry noticed that there was a yellow submarine behind him. He turned to Ron.

Harry: Would you believe me if I told you that I was being followed by a yellow submarine?

Ron stops talking to Crookshanks.

Ron: Um....no.

Harry: Oh ok. It must have been one of those unidentified flying cupcakes.

Hermione: We all live in a yellow submarine....yellow submarine....yellow submarine.....

Ron: No we don't!! I live in a pink garbage can!

Suddenly Frankenstein walks into the room.

Ron: Hey! Franky my man! How's it going?

Frankenstein: Hey Ron. Sup homie?

Ron: Not much man. Just chillin.

Frankenstein: Cool. I can't talk man. I just came in to get something.

He picks up a teddy bear.

Frankenstein: Can't live without him. Can I Snuffles?

Ron: I hear ya man. Later dude.

Frankenstein: Later.

Harry: Frankenstein??? You know Frankenstein???

Ron: Oh yeah. Dated his sister for a while.

Hermione: Yeah I dated his brother.

Ron: Hermione, he doesn't have a brother.

Hermione: Uh Oh.....

To be continued....


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